An ordinary sunday, – we had to much to talk about and forgot the time.
‘Is she asleep?’
‘Yes, I guess, it is way past bedtime. You can go I’m just going to stay here for another while. I will put her to bed, it’s fine, don’t worry’
An ordinary mondaymorning, – I found myself in his bed, his hand on my shoulder, the one that untied my shoes and carryied me to bed.
give love and recieve kindness
I only pick daisies to let them wither in my back pocket, next to the winks and smiles from passerby’s. I’ve been waiting for a rainy autumn, but the days are still long and the parks crowded with lovers. I don’t blame them for watching the sunset. I wondered where my people were, the heartbreakers, the one-day-at-a-time, the reckless, the wilder ones. I wanted to be like them, even though I had always been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I was fooling myself, maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe all I ever needed was love, the sparks and the butterflies. You made me realize that. I thought I could never love someone so much it hurts, and it does and it aches and my body is built of rose petals. I’d be a hopeless fight to dismantle the fireworks you set off inside my head. I’d be hopeless to love you and here I am, counting the days with the butterflies in the park.
It rained. It rained the entire day and the entire evening. I’ve spent the last two weeks fighting against the warmth outside, it had been sunny the whole time.
I’m sitting on the front porch listening how the rain pours and how the sky trembles. I’m baring my knees against the cold and my heart beats slow. There isn’t anybody out on the streets tonight, the light are dimmed. I’ve been waiting for this moment. To sit on the front porch and to be silent. I’m processing the grief of this day and how I still haven’t forgotten about her. At this point I don’t believe I ever will. The thought about her still makes me sad and still makes me want to cry. But I didn’t cry and I wasn’t sad. I sat listening to the rain in ease, in silence. She chose not to be here. It hurts, but just a little. It hurts until it doesn’t.
I made it. I didn’t think I would. Nobody was sure that I would make it.
It was dark outside but there weren’t much lights burning inside as well. The day had passed and everybody popped their champange and ate their celebration dinners. And then there was only me left with mixed emotions. I had cried happy tears when I heard the news, that I graduated against all expectations. I was relieved and overwhelmed that everything I didn’t dare to dream of became reality. The one thing I fought for beyond all of my breaking points. All the unfortunate events and disadvantages lead up this very point where I had to make it right. I had to do it, not only for myself but for my family. For my dear grandfather who believed I could achieve everything I ever wanted. For my dear grandfather who was applauding and back petting when necessary. All I ever wanted was to make him proud.
I made it. I didn’t think I would. Nobody was sure that I would make it. He did. He always kept faith in me.
I’m only just realizing how hard it must be to have read all of those words. All the words I wrote about how much I missed to be with you and how I blamed you for leaving. I know that you never had the intention to hurt me but you did, indirectly. I didn’t like the way my days were going or how I was forced to spend my time on the things I hated most. You didn’t knew that problem, you seemed happy and calm and you enjoyed life way more than I did. Spending time with you and sharing moments made it better for me. You were living proof that things would get better, and they did. I was redeemed for everything I had done, people forgave me for what I had done, I booked more vacations and read more books. I met new people and found love, love in all its ways and forms. But most important, I learned how to live without the idea of you being there for me. I stood on my own.
Yesterday evening I wondered through the city where you worked. The one place were I could always find you. You weren’t there, I knew that. But I didn’t visit to find you. I visited because I wanted to and I wouldnt be limited with the posibility of seeing you again. I woundn’t mind seeing you again, and I wouldn’t mind never seeing you again, because I’ll remember the way you looked, because I wrote so much about you.
It has been a while
I’d like to kindly thank you for being there for me when I needed somebody. I needed someone to talk to, no-one in particular. I’d want to thank you for all the times you’d make me laugh, but I’m easy to please, I have a bad sense of humor. I’d like to thank you for convincing me that love still exists, but I secretly knew that all along. I’d like to thank you for showing me bits of the world that I don’t know off, but they were cliché, and nothing extraordinary. I’d like to thank you for sharing your silent secrets, I’ll keep them with the others. I’d like to thank you, but it’s time for me to go. This wasn’t what I was looking for, after all.
Today is the last day. Today could have been a turning point. Today could have been the day in which we’d smile at each other from across the table, but you weren’t even there. Instead, you were nowhere to be found. I lost you along the way. I know I did and I’m well aware of the fact that it is never going to change. Everything I thought I knew about you ends today, tomorrow I’ll have nothing left. But that’s a good thing, I’ve held on for too long.
Today should have been our happy day, but I found myself sitting in front of the fire place, wondering what happened.