;

– ‘I take care of myself’

I threw a beer can next to the bin, I couldn’t stand up to go and get it. I locked my phone before he would reply. It would take at least an hour. I tried to get the knots out of my hair. I showered but didn’t wash it, I just let my skin burn.

He let me smoke his cigarettes until we both quit. Then the only thing we really did was have sex. He let me sleep over but I was gone by first daylight. We talked sometimes but I still don’t know his last name. He must have told, I must have forgotten it. I must not have cared enough.

I threw a beer can next to the bin, I couldn’t stand up to go and get it. My hand was still red from crushing the can, the color of love. I always loved the color grey, it wasn’t black nor white. It didn’t really matter, I didn’t really matter. I wasn’t special, I wasn’t extraordinary, I wasn’t ready to choose a side.

– ‘I am better off alone’

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Expect

I never expected any of this. I remember getting exited when you replied to my first text. I remember how I smiled when you liked my pictures. I remember how I didn’t get my hopes up because I knew this would fade. This would all be phase and I’d forget about you.

You thought otherwise.

You reached for me in the middle of a crisis, I dragged you out of there. I gave you a new number to take your boredom out on and a new pair of hips to hold. I just wanted to be with you for a while, to own the experience. I never expected you to stick around. 

You though otherwise.

You invited youself over to lay in my arms and listen to my stories. Your presence was better then I ever expected, I felt safe. We spent day after day going over our past, our flaws, our faults, our dreams. I never thought we would plan trips for the future.

You though otherwise.

So we spent more time together and I didn’t expect to fall so hard for you. I never expected for us to have so much in common. For us to be dating and being out there for the world to see. I never expected for you to come back to me time after time. For you to take the risk and open up. I never expected us to fall in love, but we speak of nothing but butterflies. 

It was so unexpected but it feels so fucking good

Bloom

I’m scared of heights but I took the fall. I ran through the forest at night to be in the valley by morning. It was so vivid, sprinkled with wildflowers and love-me-love-not’s. You gave me goosebumps although the sunrays warmed my skin. The horizon gloomed in the daylight, I wasn’t afraid to look forward anymore. I don’t want to look back on all the skipping stones on my path, I never knew how many days I had before they sank with me in the wishingwell. You took be my the hand and guided me, I closed my eyes. I trusted you to guide me home. I took steps and heartbeats and a leap of faith. The valley stretched for miles, there was enough space for you to find all the words I wrote about you. Read them. Let them sink in. Believe every word. Hold them close. Save them for later. Remind yourself you’re worth it. There is a place for  you to be. There is a place for us to be, to grow, to nourish, to restore, to be held, to be better. Carry it in your heart. Let it take you higher.

I like you and I think that you should know that. 

Daydream. 

Tell me twice that you’re scared and I’ll hold you even closer. I know we’re on thin ice but darling it’s still freezing outside. I’m not going anywhere, you know where to find me. You don’t have to run, you’re safe with me. I won’t hurt you and I won’t let you go

I found you in my dreams way before I found you in my arms. You’re not drifting, you’re only coming closer.