Calm

‘Take it easy little girl, wipe your tears away’
‘Take it slowly, don’t pressure yourself that much’
‘I think you should do that tomorrow, it will be a brand new day’
‘You there, don’t be so upset and stop blaming yourself for everything’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll come and pick you up’
‘Just stay calm okay’

There might be a thousand ways to love you. But the way that you held my hand whilst walking down the street, that is how I loved you. You were fucking there for me and you were tender as cherrytrees. You were wise and I adored you for being smart and thoughtful. I loved the way that you caressed my golden hair and stroked your hand upon my cheek. I thought that you would make me a better person.

You always told me to stay calm, and so I did. I patiently waited for you to come home, but it’s taking you so long. I waited for you to return my letters and I ended up blaming the mailman. I waited for you to explain to me what was happening and you left me in great confusion. I waited on you, like the calm before the storm. I waited for you to come pick me up, but you never came.

I waited for you to come pick me up, but you never came. I stayed calm, you taught me that. I stayed calm, serene, silent, dying actually, waiting for you to come pick me up.

 

10 things I should have done;

10 things I should have done before you left;

1. I should have turned around and kiss you one more time. 2. I should have noticed the way that you slowly let go, the way you cut loose, silent. 3. I should have told you how much I loved you. 4. I was supposed to have better arguments, I didn’t give you any reason to stay. 5. I should have told you how beautiful you were before you stopped listening. 6. I got defeated so easily, I was to weak to fight. 7. I should have fought, I should have tried to make you stay. 7. I should have send you all those messages I typed for you, I should have had the guts to tell you how I feel. 8. I should have confronted you with the truth, I should have told you that it wasn’t all my fault. 9. I should have kissed you. 10. I should have loved you better, more, I should have loved you more when I had the chance.

not so ordinary boy

He was so merely fascinated with the words that came out of my mouth. As he asked more and more questions he kept looking at me. He kept patiently looking for more secrets to reveal themselves. But those lines that stumbled out of my mouth had never been secrets, I never had anything to hide. I was never dreadfully mysterious or unexpected. I was an open book and nobody took the effort to read it. I haven’t met numerous people that found my honest answers so fascinating.

He kissed another blonde girl on the cheek, I got reminded by the fact that he wasn’t into me. I knew his kindness towards me shouldn’t be mistaken by affection, that was never his intention. Conjointly I never had intentions to meet his parents or to kiss his cheek. But he was into me at a level that he was more interested with the matrix in my head rather then the revealing ripped jeans.

I didn’t understand what made him different. Why did he care to look at me for more then numerable seconds. He had been educated for longer than necessarily. But he had a drive, an idea, he knew what determination was. He knew what it felt like to be all in in or all out.

He said he never met someone like me, I didn’t feel offended, I knew he wasn’t trying to be negative. And when he asked me about her I looked down and I couldn’t bare seeing her photo again. He noticed the way that my throat burned with her name. He noticed the way I couldn’t handle talking about the fact that she left. The not so ordinary boy said; ‘You really loved her, didn’t you?’

 

 

You and me

It was going to be you and me. It might have supposed to be a you and me. But you were to caught up in the misery of past relationships. You havent healed in any way and you were so distant. I don’t love you, not anymore, I don’t think I ever truly have. I liked the idea of you and me, but now it is just me. I can’t possibly dream of anything better. So for now I’m going to live and listen to my music to loudly. And I’ll stop being miserable about someone I don’t deserve. 

They all..

They all wondered and questioned what I was doing.

When I was at school they asked me why I drew roses in my notebooks.
When I wasn’t at school they asked me if I was sick.
When I told them I wasn’t sick they asked me what was going on.
When I told them I was really emotional they asked me why.
When I showed them a photo of a girl they didn’t understand.

When they asked me why I drank red wine I told them they should try it.
When they refused they asked me why I drank another glass.
When I didn’t give them a reason they asked me why I behaved so reckless.
When I asked about their definition of reckless they didn’t answer.

When I booked a ticket to an unfamiliar destination they asked me why.
When I told them I wanted to travel they asked me how I got the money.
When I told them that money wasn’t the issue they said it was an issue.
When I told them experience had more value they didn’t get it.

When I cheated on my boyfriend they all asked me why.
When I said that I didn’t love him they asked me why I was in a relationship.
When I said that I wasn’t anymore they said they felt sorry for him.
When I said I had done the right thing they didn’t agree.

They all wondered and questioned what I was doing.
They still do.