I think I found the right words.

It was storming outside when our summer love came to an end. I remember that he didn’t knew how to feel, anger and sadness we’re mixed like the coffee and cream in my cappuccino. I cradled my knees against my chest and watched the storm pass by. I broke a heart and so it hurt mine. I made mistakes, took a lot of wrong turns and got lost.

Soon I found my way out
I found myself
and I did it on my own

I learned how to be on my own. How to fight strong and recover. There wasn’t much I needed in life, I grew up to be independent. To know what is right and what is wrong. I moved along, I walked on my own. I walked and I walked and then I .. I stood still to look at you.

How it feels to do it all over again;

I squinted my eyes against the bright sunlight from behind the trees. People we’re chatting left and right, I could only pay attention to the person climbing on top of a picknick table to greet us. I have no idea what she was telling us. I was blinded by her and she way she moved and talk. I wanted to hear her talk all day long. I knew I like her noise above all the other noise. She stood there watching us but she didn’t notice me. I felt the heat and my heart burn. I had to spend more time with her, I wanted to be all for her.

I greeted her multiple times when we crossed in the hallways. My heart would skip a beat. I wasn’t really in love, but I wanted to know so much more about the mystery in her eyes. I guess I wasn’t the only one. She was adored by many and had someone else by her side. I let them walk. I wanted them to.

I started walking again.

I started walking until we collided into each other and we we’re spinning circles around each other for the entire night. She held on to my hands and I clutched onto her arms. I wasn’t letting go now. I wasn’t going to walk away that easy this time. I saw stars in her eyes and I wanted to know where they came from.

She was magical. We watched the sun rise and fall into the horizon again. We never let go of each other since that first night. We looked at each other until we slowly started talking. I whispered to you that night – I think I might like you. And she smiled. She knew that her heart was pounding to. I became unbearable. We felt as if this was all we had been waiting for. As if our worlds were meant to collide.

We had sparks and butterflies and endless laughter. I had fears and worries but they faded when she held me close each night. I can never get used to waking up next to her every morning. I am priviledged to be in a dreamworld when I’m wide awake. One look and a kiss and I’m the happiest you’ll ever see me. Our best selves intertwined like mixed flowers in spring. Inspire, aspire, nourish and grow. Talk, laugh, scream and smile. Hug, kiss and love.

How it felt to do it all over again; I felt love pulsing through my body and it was all I ever needed. It felt real. I was blown away and back to the shore.

I’m in love, madly in love with her. I think I found the right words.

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– ‘I take care of myself’

I threw a beer can next to the bin, I couldn’t stand up to go and get it. I locked my phone before he would reply. It would take at least an hour. I tried to get the knots out of my hair. I showered but didn’t wash it, I just let my skin burn.

He let me smoke his cigarettes until we both quit. Then the only thing we really did was have sex. He let me sleep over but I was gone by first daylight. We talked sometimes but I still don’t know his last name. He must have told, I must have forgotten it. I must not have cared enough.

I threw a beer can next to the bin, I couldn’t stand up to go and get it. My hand was still red from crushing the can, the color of love. I always loved the color grey, it wasn’t black nor white. It didn’t really matter, I didn’t really matter. I wasn’t special, I wasn’t extraordinary, I wasn’t ready to choose a side.

– ‘I am better off alone’

the least I could say pt 3

I believe in us. I believe in our opportunity to become something beautiful. The kind of love in which you complete each other, to acknowledge our ideas and to neglect our arguments, we didn’t have any. I found a soulmate in you. I found someone who will come back to me, if it will be in a minute or a year. I trust you, I know that you’ll always feel home with me. Heart to heart, hand to hand. We make perfect sense. I feel like I can be me with or without you.

Bloom

I’m scared of heights but I took the fall. I ran through the forest at night to be in the valley by morning. It was so vivid, sprinkled with wildflowers and love-me-love-not’s. You gave me goosebumps although the sunrays warmed my skin. The horizon gloomed in the daylight, I wasn’t afraid to look forward anymore. I don’t want to look back on all the skipping stones on my path, I never knew how many days I had before they sank with me in the wishingwell. You took be my the hand and guided me, I closed my eyes. I trusted you to guide me home. I took steps and heartbeats and a leap of faith. The valley stretched for miles, there was enough space for you to find all the words I wrote about you. Read them. Let them sink in. Believe every word. Hold them close. Save them for later. Remind yourself you’re worth it. There is a place for  you to be. There is a place for us to be, to grow, to nourish, to restore, to be held, to be better. Carry it in your heart. Let it take you higher.

I like you and I think that you should know that. 

Daydream. 

Tell me twice that you’re scared and I’ll hold you even closer. I know we’re on thin ice but darling it’s still freezing outside. I’m not going anywhere, you know where to find me. You don’t have to run, you’re safe with me. I won’t hurt you and I won’t let you go

I found you in my dreams way before I found you in my arms. You’re not drifting, you’re only coming closer.