Even though it seemed like I never fit in, I was part of this. I was part of this and I enjoyed every second of it. Don’t you dare think that I wanted to leave, but I moved on. I moved on to feel at home, to be at ease. I needed to escape and I did. Don’t miss me, I wont disappear.
Don’t you dare
It is time to stand up
white light is made from
all the colors of the spectrum combined
– and so this silence is made of
all this noise
I had this all planned and figured out and ready to go. I’ve had these ideas in my head that I played on and on and on. And now reality doesn’t even come close to what I expected. There are so much things that don’t add up. I can’t seem to let go. I can’t help myself but to feel sad about how I saw my dreams come down and crash. I dont want to let go at all, this was all I had left.
I hear the murmering, the sound of shoes on the tiled floor of the station. The pace too slow and the stairs too crowded. My head on muted and my body intoxicated. Dragging myself back to where I came from. Travelling back and forth and from house to home. Where can I lay down? Where is the silence that my heart recognizes?
I see the fog laid out as a blanket over the fields that move past me, and I am jealous, these strangers around me leave me cold.
I’ve had a life before you and it wasn’t easy. I’ve survived a life before you.
I have lost many things in that time; love, strength, hope, friends and myself. I was not who I wanted to be. I was a clamshell, shut close around the edges. I did not speak to my family, my friends, my loved ones. I just moved around and stared but didn’t look. Life was a blur, life was messy. Whenever I wanted to tell something, whenever I wanted to make something clear, I started a fight. I wanted people to notice that something was wrong, but instead I got into a fight which resulted in me being closer than ever. I was a clamshell, alone with all my feelings and emotions which I couldn’t carry on my own.
zijn niet te remmen
tot we stilvallen
hoe meer regels de
meer we breken
meer volwassen zijn
maar de toekomst
vinden we eng
waar willen we heen
wat gaan we bereiken
op zoek naar onszelf
en dus maar met
de menigte mee