I only pick daisies to let them wither in my back pocket, next to the winks and smiles from passerby’s. I’ve been waiting for a rainy autumn, but the days are still long and the parks crowded with lovers. I don’t blame them for watching the sunset. I wondered where my people were, the heartbreakers, the one-day-at-a-time, the reckless, the wilder ones. I wanted to be like them, even though I had always been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I was fooling myself, maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe all I ever needed was love, the sparks and the butterflies. You made me realize that. I thought I could never love someone so much it hurts, and it does and it aches and my body is built of rose petals. I’d be a hopeless fight to dismantle the fireworks you set off inside my head. I’d be hopeless to love you and here I am, counting the days with the butterflies in the park.
I’ve seen Milan, I’ve visted Paris, I graduated and I turned 18. But some nights my mind drifts and shifts and I can only think about the way your lips felt. That tiny little detail in this ever growing world.
‘Don’t panic’ I thought, as I rushed over the sidewalk onto the street, I ran, faster and faster, something was creeping upon me and I wanted to get rid of it, I wanted to escape the fear that hid in the rigdes of my shadow.
I might be impatient but I’m just very exited. I wish for time to go faster whilst waiting and slower when experiencing. But I dont need to run, I dont need to rush. I keep my options open and my horizon wide. I’m way to young to be in a hurry. We’re only getting started.
His mother can make him cry and his little brother will always be little. He seems strong but even his bones were broken one by one. He can’t sing but remembers the words from my funeral speech. He is different, but I recognize parts of me in him. He talks to others but still pays his own drinks. He shows me his secrets and locks them away again. He tells me everything and nothing at all. He is rare and new but feels like home. He falls in but never out if love. He thought he wasn’t much but he was, after all.
Today is the last day. Today could have been a turning point. Today could have been the day in which we’d smile at each other from across the table, but you weren’t even there. Instead, you were nowhere to be found. I lost you along the way. I know I did and I’m well aware of the fact that it is never going to change. Everything I thought I knew about you ends today, tomorrow I’ll have nothing left. But that’s a good thing, I’ve held on for too long.
Today should have been our happy day, but I found myself sitting in front of the fire place, wondering what happened.