Proud.

I made it. I didn’t think I would. Nobody was sure that I would make it.

It was dark outside but there weren’t much lights burning inside as well. The day had passed and everybody popped their champange and ate their celebration dinners. And then there was only me left with mixed emotions. I had cried happy tears when I heard the news, that I graduated against all expectations. I was relieved and overwhelmed that everything I didn’t dare to dream of became reality. The one thing I fought for beyond all of my breaking points. All the unfortunate events and disadvantages lead up this very point where I had to make it right. I had to do it, not only for myself but for my family. For my dear grandfather who believed I could achieve everything I ever wanted. For my dear grandfather who was applauding and back petting when necessary. All I ever wanted was to make him proud.

I made it. I didn’t think I would. Nobody was sure that I would make it. He did. He always kept faith in me.

10 things I should remember

I stopped being sad about you for various reasons. 1. It isn’t going to bring you back and I know that. 2. It only affects me, in no way it will negatively affect you. 3. You fucking left and I don’t want to miss people who leave me. If I don’t deserve their time they don’t deserve mine. 4. You fucking left. 5. You loved how spontaneous and full of life I was, and I am going to be that person again. If you see me I will be the person you fell in love with. 6. I want to be who I was before I met you. 7. Crying is only healthy to a certain degree, I don’t want to bring myself in more pain then necessary. 8. I’m starting to realize that I shouldn’t have forgiven you for all the bad things you did, things I didn’t notice because I was blinded with love. 9. You aren’t as perfect as you seemed. You are far from perfect and therefore you aren’t worth chasing. 10. I want to live for me and only me. I don’t want to live for you anymore, I am not your girl.

ignorance

Do you have any idea what it feels like? maybe you do, maybe someone else does. People tell me I have a heavy heart, mostly just the weight of broken relations. I told you that I was scared of commitment, and I think I have never really understood what it meant. It is not only the fear of starting commitment, but the fear of letting your guards down. This nauseous feeling that gets you whenever it can, whether you are traveling home from work, taking a shower of lying in bed at night. My eyes tear up just thinking about it, the scariest part of committing is letting go. I have always been a strong person. I wouldn’t let anyone get in my way, and I would never let anyone hurt me. But you found your way in, I have fallen madly in love. And somehow these butterflies turn into bats – the flowers grow thorns. The idea of you not being here terrifies me to a point that I can’t even talk about it. I tend to ignore these negative thoughts. I do not miss you,┬ábelieve me that someday I will.

I will miss you, – but not today. please don’t let it be today.