I think I found the right words.

It was storming outside when our summer love came to an end. I remember that he didn’t knew how to feel, anger and sadness we’re mixed like the coffee and cream in my cappuccino. I cradled my knees against my chest and watched the storm pass by. I broke a heart and so it hurt mine. I made mistakes, took a lot of wrong turns and got lost.

Soon I found my way out
I found myself
and I did it on my own

I learned how to be on my own. How to fight strong and recover. There wasn’t much I needed in life, I grew up to be independent. To know what is right and what is wrong. I moved along, I walked on my own. I walked and I walked and then I .. I stood still to look at you.

How it feels to do it all over again;

I squinted my eyes against the bright sunlight from behind the trees. People were chatting left and right, I could only pay attention to the person climbing on top of a picknick table to greet us. I have no idea what she was telling us. I was blinded by her and the way she moved and talk. I wanted to hear her talk all day long. I knew I liked her noise above all the other noise. She stood there watching us but she didn’t notice me. I felt the heat and my heart burn. I had to spend more time with her, I wanted to be all for her.

I greeted her multiple times when we crossed in the hallways. My heart would skip a beat. I wasn’t really in love, but I wanted to know so much more about the mystery in her eyes. I guess I wasn’t the only one. She was adored by many and had someone else by her side. I let them walk. I wanted them to.

I started walking again.

I started walking until we collided into each other and we were spinning circles around each other for the entire night. She held on to my hands and I clutched onto her arms. I wasn’t letting go now. I wasn’t going to walk away that easy this time. I saw stars in her eyes and I wanted to know where they came from.

She was magical. We watched the sunrise and fall into the horizon again. We never let go of each other since that first night. We looked at each other until we slowly started talking. I whispered to you that night – I think I might like you. And she smiled. She knew that her heart was pounding too. I became unbearable. We felt as if this was all we had been waiting for. As if our worlds were meant to collide.

We had sparks and butterflies and endless laughter. I had fears and worries but they faded when she held me close each night. I can never get used to waking up next to her every morning. I am priviledged to be in a dreamworld when I’m wide awake. One look and a kiss and I’m the happiest you’ll ever see me. Our best selves intertwined like mixed flowers in spring. Inspire, aspire, nourish and grow. Talk, laugh, scream and smile. Hug, kiss and love.

How it felt to do it all over again; I felt love pulsing through my body and it was all I ever needed. It felt real. I was blown away and back to the shore.

I’m in love, madly in love with her. I think I found the right words.

Why does it ache.

You remind me of everything I once had. A boy at my side with the best smile, who had loads of charisma and character. Somebody with goals and dreams and desires and a willpower to reach them. That was you. That was him. That was the boy that once belonged to my side. 

It scares me to think I’ll never get the chance to take that spot. Coincidence made us cross paths but we’re not going parallel. We’re to young not to choose our own paths. Your world is drifting from mine and I don’t want to lose you out of sight. 

It is not that I love you, but I could. I have so much love to give. We could make it in a different world at a different time. For now I get to see you smile and that is enough. I’m gratefull for the time we spent together, learning, growing, laughing and loving. 

It is not that I love you, but I could 

A sunday.

I only pick daisies to let them wither in my back pocket, next to the winks and smiles from passerby’s. I’ve been waiting for a rainy autumn, but the days are still long and the parks crowded with lovers. I don’t blame them for watching the sunset. I wondered where my people were, the heartbreakers, the one-day-at-a-time, the reckless, the wilder ones. I wanted to be like them, even though I had always been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I was fooling myself, maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe all I ever needed was love, the sparks and the butterflies. You made me realize that. I thought I could never love someone so much it hurts, and it does and it aches and my body is built of rose petals. I’d be a hopeless fight to dismantle the fireworks you set off inside my head. I’d be hopeless to love you and here I am, counting the days with the butterflies in the park.

 

Days like these

It hurts to live without her but you got to do it. You have to wake up every morning and start breathing. Open the doors, brew coffee and be grateful. Realize what you have and have accomplished and what is left undiscovered. Sympathize with your siblings and stop fighting your parents over five dollars. Set yourself free, get out of the house and get lost, wonder. Feed your tiny little heart with beauty and surround yourself with your loved ones. We got once chance and we blew it. Own it, make up for lost time and find peace. Live and feel and breathe the morning air. Start again. Rise again. – things I should have told myself three months ago.

it’s been a while

I’m only just realizing how hard it must be to have read all of those words. All the words I wrote about how much I missed to be with you and how I blamed you for leaving. I know that you never had the intention to hurt me but you did, indirectly. I didn’t like the way my days were going or how I was forced to spend my time on the things I hated most. You didn’t knew that problem, you seemed happy and calm and you enjoyed life way more than I did. Spending time with you and sharing moments made it better for me. You were living proof that things would get better, and they did. I was redeemed for everything I had done, people forgave me for what I had done, I booked more vacations and read more books. I met new people and found love, love in all its ways and forms. But most important, I learned how to live without the idea of you being there for me. I stood on my own.

Yesterday evening I wondered through the city where you worked. The one place were I could always find you. You weren’t there, I knew that. But I didn’t visit to find you. I visited because I wanted to and I wouldnt be limited with the posibility of seeing you again. I woundn’t mind seeing you again, and I wouldn’t mind never seeing you again, because I’ll remember the way you looked, because I wrote so much about you. 

It has been a while

Calm

‘Take it easy little girl, wipe your tears away’
‘Take it slowly, don’t pressure yourself that much’
‘I think you should do that tomorrow, it will be a brand new day’
‘You there, don’t be so upset and stop blaming yourself for everything’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll come and pick you up’
‘Just stay calm okay’

There might be a thousand ways to love you. But the way that you held my hand whilst walking down the street, that is how I loved you. You were fucking there for me and you were tender as cherrytrees. You were wise and I adored you for being smart and thoughtful. I loved the way that you caressed my golden hair and stroked your hand upon my cheek. I thought that you would make me a better person.

You always told me to stay calm, and so I did. I patiently waited for you to come home, but it’s taking you so long. I waited for you to return my letters and I ended up blaming the mailman. I waited for you to explain to me what was happening and you left me in great confusion. I waited on you, like the calm before the storm. I waited for you to come pick me up, but you never came.

I waited for you to come pick me up, but you never came. I stayed calm, you taught me that. I stayed calm, serene, silent, dying actually, waiting for you to come pick me up.

 

I won’t

I won’t tell you what I want to tell you. I won’t tell how I feel. I won’t tell you how to fucking live your life. I won’t tell you that you aren’t taking every chance. I won’t tell you that you are letting fear rule you. I won’t tell you that you that fear of commitment isn’t a real thing. I won’t tell you that it is actually fear of letting go, or being left. I won’t tell you that I’ll never fucking break your heart. I won’t have to, you never let me in. I won’t tell you that you can trust me, you won’t tell me anything. I won’t tell you that I know shit better. I won’t tell you that because I’m three years younger than you. I won’t be the one to tell you that you’re absolutely deadly gorgeous. I won’t scare the shit out of you. I won’t be the one to be there for you, even if you decide to need me. I won’t fucking wait around for you to change your mind. I won’t hold you at night when you are feeling lonely. I won’t tell you that there is more to life than smoking and drinking. I won’t tell you I think you’re lying. I won’t tell you you’re a fucking liar. I won’t tell you that you should have told the truth. I won’t be your girl. I won’t be the one to tell you everything you need to hear. I won’t be the one to help you. I won’t be the one to make you better. I won’t be the one that will love you forever. I won’t be the one. I will not