ik heb het zo druk met

bezig zijn

en elke dag

klaar zijn voor de volgende –

ik heb het zo druk met

zijn – hier en dan nog het liefst

op tijd.



Even though it seemed like I never fit in, I was part of this. I was part of this and I enjoyed every second of it. Don’t you dare think that I wanted to leave, but I moved on. I moved on to feel at home, to be at ease. I needed to escape and I did. Don’t miss me, I wont disappear.

Last week.

I had this all planned and figured out and ready to go. I’ve had these ideas in my head that I played on and on and on. And now reality doesn’t even come close to what I expected. There are so much things that don’t add up. I can’t seem to let go. I can’t help myself but to feel sad about how I saw my dreams come down and crash. I dont want to let go at all, this was all I had left.


Elevate me.
I hear the murmering, the sound of shoes on the tiled floor of the station. The pace too slow and the stairs too crowded. My head on muted and my body intoxicated. Dragging myself back to where I came from. Travelling back and forth and from house to home. Where can I lay down? Where is the silence that my heart recognizes?

I see the fog laid out as a blanket over the fields that move past me, and I am jealous, these strangers around me leave me cold.


I’ve had a life before you and it wasn’t easy. I’ve survived a life before you.
I have lost many things in that time; love, strength, hope, friends and myself. I was not who I wanted to be. I was a clamshell, shut close around the edges. I did not speak to my family, my friends, my loved ones. I just moved around and stared but didn’t look. Life was a blur, life was messy. Whenever I wanted to tell something, whenever I wanted to make something clear, I started a fight. I wanted people to notice that something was wrong, but instead I got into a fight which resulted in me being closer than ever. I was a clamshell, alone with all my feelings and emotions which I couldn’t carry on my own.