#153

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#152

darling, we will laugh and we will cry. there are days to get through. some a given, some a burden. there will be happy tears and other won’t be happy. some remind us that we overflow in order to find our way again. 

there’s a couple things I’ve learned;

1. going home doesn’t necessarily have to feel as if you’re going home.
2. you won’t feel your fingers at times
3. it will feel unfinished but going back won’t solve it and you’ll have to accept that.
4. people will surprise you in good ways
5. not everybody will understand but the ones who do make up for it
6. if someone holds me for too long I will probably cry
7. you’ll finish the book you’ve brought to every sunset and that ending will feel very good for a change
8. you keep saying you don’t have enough savings but you will spend money on a trip anyways.
9. love will return to you in unfamiliar ways

16 days.

16 days passed. this morning I woke with the sunlight beaming through the tall windows. I sit with the sun on my face, it isn’t warm but if I close my eyes I can still imagine what that feels like. this is not my chair. maybe this is not my home but I don’t know where else.

wij, vooruitgaand

ik heb je lang niet gezien maar vertel mij alles. je stem klinkt nog altijd vertrouwd en de toekomst vaak weer niet. we zullen er samen om lachen. het maakt niet uit.

de grijze mist tot in de laatste straten van de stad. wij, vooruitgaand, maar verkleind tot lichtpuntjes in een grijze zee. ik weet nog altijd niets zeker maar dit is wel de goede richting.

ik zet mijn voeten op de groeven van de tegels. ik zal luider zijn en het zal mij geluk brengen.

december,..

december, ik ben weer terug. er staat een straatmuzikant zijn vingers blauw te spelen. ik hoor zijn viool muziek tot aan de oliebollenkraam. hij doet zo zijn best. ik dwaal door de steegjes en weiger het verloren te noemen. de kleine gele lampjes op veilige hoogte. ze helpen ons het beste er van te maken. december, ik verlang nog altijd terug maar ik zal blijven lachen. 

hold me closer

I learned to love myself first. I learned to warm my hands by the fireplace. I learned who I was in the silence, my thoughts and I, we’re friends now. I learned how to feel enough, to move forwards in crowds, to get myself home every day. I learned to love myself, but that was never the issue.

I had to learn that people would wait for me. I had to learn how to be vulnerable, how to be soft. I had to learn that love would always be many things, exiting, difficult, wonderful and delicate. That loving is also leaving and it shouldn’t scare me. I will always have me, so hold me closer.