I only pick daisies to let them wither in my back pocket, next to the winks and smiles from passerby’s. I’ve been waiting for a rainy autumn, but the days are still long and the parks crowded with lovers. I don’t blame them for watching the sunset. I wondered where my people were, the heartbreakers, the one-day-at-a-time, the reckless, the wilder ones. I wanted to be like them, even though I had always been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I was fooling myself, maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe all I ever needed was love, the sparks and the butterflies. You made me realize that. I thought I could never love someone so much it hurts, and it does and it aches and my body is built of rose petals. I’d be a hopeless fight to dismantle the fireworks you set off inside my head. I’d be hopeless to love you and here I am, counting the days with the butterflies in the park.
Today is the last day. Today could have been a turning point. Today could have been the day in which we’d smile at each other from across the table, but you weren’t even there. Instead, you were nowhere to be found. I lost you along the way. I know I did and I’m well aware of the fact that it is never going to change. Everything I thought I knew about you ends today, tomorrow I’ll have nothing left. But that’s a good thing, I’ve held on for too long.
Today should have been our happy day, but I found myself sitting in front of the fire place, wondering what happened.
‘Take it easy little girl, wipe your tears away’
‘Take it slowly, don’t pressure yourself that much’
‘I think you should do that tomorrow, it will be a brand new day’
‘You there, don’t be so upset and stop blaming yourself for everything’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll come and pick you up’
‘Just stay calm okay’
There might be a thousand ways to love you. But the way that you held my hand whilst walking down the street, that is how I loved you. You were fucking there for me and you were tender as cherrytrees. You were wise and I adored you for being smart and thoughtful. I loved the way that you caressed my golden hair and stroked your hand upon my cheek. I thought that you would make me a better person.
You always told me to stay calm, and so I did. I patiently waited for you to come home, but it’s taking you so long. I waited for you to return my letters and I ended up blaming the mailman. I waited for you to explain to me what was happening and you left me in great confusion. I waited on you, like the calm before the storm. I waited for you to come pick me up, but you never came.
I waited for you to come pick me up, but you never came. I stayed calm, you taught me that. I stayed calm, serene, silent, dying actually, waiting for you to come pick me up.
It feels as if nothing really matters anymore, all these moments I can’t share with you. It just sucks, knowing you’re out there, but you stopped listening to me long ago.
It wasn’t about being ‘yours’ or calling you ‘mine’. It was about sharing a bottle of wine at noon because time was only an illusion. It was about sharing our biggest fears underneath a van Gogh starry night sky. It was about admiring each others strength to cut loose from past relationships. It was about giving each other nicknames and being silly about each others weird habits. It was about laughing at jokes, laughing at embarrassing stories, laughing in general. It was about being grateful when someone paid the check, being generous with hugs, being careful whilst running through an orange stop sign. It was about complementing the little things, the way she tucked her hair beneath her ear or how I’d write her letters. It was about casually slipping lovely words to each other and reaching for each others hands. It was everything. It was. It wasn’t love, that I could tell. She was just trying to be nice and I was trying not to fall for her. But I did. I never became ‘yours’ and she never became ‘mine’. My heart is still trying to understand that.
It is eight in the morning. I sit here at the dining table with fresh made cappuccino. I can hear a simple piano song playing from my computer. And at the corner of my eye the sun peeks from behind the clouds. The whole room is slowly starting to fill itself with sunlight. I can feel the warmth on the back of my black dress. I take another sip from my coffee. I can’t help but smile. It took me some time but I can finally say that I’m over you. You may live in the ruins of my dream. But when I wake up, I am going to start living for myself again.
And when somebody asks how I’m doing, I’ll answer again. You decided we could better be on our own and I can see that now. We have learned and we have lost, but I don’t need you anymore. You didn’t need me anymore.
I don’t know if you still read my blog, but I’m doing fine.