Tag: love

28th of July

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​ It rained. It rained the entire day and the entire evening. I’ve spent the last two weeks fighting against the warmth outside, it had been sunny the whole time. 

I’m sitting on the front porch listening how the rain pours and how the sky trembles. I’m baring my knees against the cold and my heart beats slow. There isn’t anybody out on the streets tonight, the light are dimmed. I’ve been waiting for this moment. To sit on the front porch and to be silent. I’m processing the grief of this day and how I still haven’t forgotten about her. At this point I don’t believe I ever will. The thought about her still makes me sad and still makes me want to cry. But I didn’t cry and I wasn’t sad. I sat listening to the rain in ease, in silence. She chose not to be here. It hurts, but just a little. It hurts until it doesn’t. 

It rained. 

Proud.

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I made it. I didn’t think I would. Nobody was sure that I would make it.

It was dark outside but there weren’t much lights burning inside as well. The day had passed and everybody popped their champange and ate their celebration dinners. And then there was only me left with mixed emotions. I had cried happy tears when I heard the news, that I graduated against all expectations. I was relieved and overwhelmed that everything I didn’t dare to dream of became reality. The one thing I fought for beyond all of my breaking points. All the unfortunate events and disadvantages lead up this very point where I had to make it right. I had to do it, not only for myself but for my family. For my dear grandfather who believed I could achieve everything I ever wanted. For my dear grandfather who was applauding and back petting when necessary. All I ever wanted was to make him proud.

I made it. I didn’t think I would. Nobody was sure that I would make it. He did. He always kept faith in me.

Days like these

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It hurts to live without her but you got to do it. You have to wake up every morning and start breathing. Open the doors, brew coffee and be grateful. Realize what you have and have accomplished and what is left undiscovered. Sympathize with your siblings and stop fighting your parents over five dollars. Set yourself free, get out of the house and get lost, wonder. Feed your tiny little heart with beauty and surround yourself with your loved ones. We got once chance and we blew it. Own it, make up for lost time and find peace. Live and feel and breathe the morning air. Start again. Rise again. – things I should have told myself three months ago.

it’s been a while

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I’m only just realizing how hard it must be to have read all of those words. All the words I wrote about how much I missed to be with you and how I blamed you for leaving. I know that you never had the intention to hurt me but you did, indirectly. I didn’t like the way my days were going or how I was forced to spend my time on the things I hated most. You didn’t knew that problem, you seemed happy and calm and you enjoyed life way more than I did. Spending time with you and sharing moments made it better for me. You were living proof that things would get better, and they did. I was redeemed for everything I had done, people forgave me for what I had done, I booked more vacations and read more books. I met new people and found love, love in all its ways and forms. But most important, I learned how to live without the idea of you being there for me. I stood on my own.

Yesterday evening I wondered through the city where you worked. The one place were I could always find you. You weren’t there, I knew that. But I didn’t visit to find you. I visited because I wanted to and I wouldnt be limited with the posibility of seeing you again. I woundn’t mind seeing you again, and I wouldn’t mind never seeing you again, because I’ll remember the way you looked, because I wrote so much about you. 

It has been a while

after all pt 2

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I’d like to kindly thank you for being there for me when I needed somebody. I needed someone to talk to, no-one in particular. I’d want to thank you for all the times you’d make me laugh, but I’m easy to please, I have a bad sense of humor. I’d like to thank you for convincing me that love still exists, but I secretly knew that all along. I’d like to thank you for showing me bits of the world that I don’t know off, but they were cliché, and nothing extraordinary. I’d like to thank you for sharing your silent secrets, I’ll keep them with the others. I’d like to thank you, but it’s time for me to go. This wasn’t what I was looking for, after all.

after all

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His mother can make him cry and his little brother will always be little. He seems strong but even his bones were broken one by one. He can’t sing but remembers the words from my funeral speech. He is different, but I recognize parts of me in him. He talks to others but still pays his own drinks. He shows me his secrets and locks them away again. He tells me everything and nothing at all. He is rare and new but feels like home. He falls in but never out if love. He thought he wasn’t much but he was, after all.