I stopped being sad about you for various reasons. 1. It isn’t going to bring you back and I know that. 2. It only affects me, in no way it will negatively affect you. 3. You fucking left and I don’t want to miss people who leave me. If I don’t deserve their time they don’t deserve mine. 4. You fucking left. 5. You loved how spontaneous and full of life I was, and I am going to be that person again. If you see me I will be the person you fell in love with. 6. I want to be who I was before I met you. 7. Crying is only healthy to a certain degree, I don’t want to bring myself in more pain then necessary. 8. I’m starting to realize that I shouldn’t have forgiven you for all the bad things you did, things I didn’t notice because I was blinded with love. 9. You aren’t as perfect as you seemed. You are far from perfect and therefore you aren’t worth chasing. 10. I want to live for me and only me. I don’t want to live for you anymore, I am not your girl.
Tag: gedicht
– words
I’ve seen riverbeds and lake sunsets in your eyes.
It looks like someone caught the sunlight in your hair,
you move with the slightest effort.
And when you look back, and you glance, it seems like everything seems to stop for a brief moment.
What I’m trying to tell you is that beautiful wouldn’t suit you.
You have loved and been loved by god, and there are angels locked in your ribcage
– words I shouldn’t make public
Side
And you never asked me. You just told me to stay awake. And I hadn’t quite figured out why I had to, and why I did it. The day evolved into the rising morning in which we always embrace the dark. At midday, we had already met. I saw you in the corner of my eye, you were passing the hallways in such haste that you didn’t notice me. I watched the silhouette of what had to be you. And I watched the door open en close. I watched at the spot where you just went, and where you just disappeared. It meant entirely nothing, but I glanced into the hallway beside me. It occured to me that we never cross ways, we had never clashed into each others figure. We somehow always moved side by side, it could have been an inch, it could have been outside out comfort zone, but it never was close enough. It was save, risky and defiant.
It wouldnt be long before you were in sight again. But always alongsides, and never up front.
Some
I think I was never destined to be loved by a lot of people. Mostly it were the odd one’s out. The one’s with music in their ears and dreams in their heads. Those were the people that could cope with me and my integrity. With me and my endless amount of flaws and faults. But they were there for me, and I would always have their back.
Myself
I learned that there is nothing wrong with living for yourself. I learned that there is nothing wrong with being alone. I learned that time taught me to be strong, solid as rocks. I wake up every morning without flashbacks of my old heartbroken dreams. I dress up to feel good, and to look good in the mirror. I walk out the door without heading to past lovers or friends who got lost in the fight. I keep my head high and my vision clear. Dear god I knew we went through a lot. I know that days we’re so bad we didn’t live them. But I recovered and found my grip on life again, I formed missteps into chords and emotions into art. I know that my mind still remembers how dark the black was, and how beaten my body was. But I also know how to keep it going. How to let it flow like scraping rivers and robust red blood. How to defend my rights and how to barricade the voices. Oh those voices in my head. But I learned to be fluent and blazing brilliant. I tell myself to live for myself.
your shout was so deafening
*soft piano music*
I don’t have your number anymore. I lost it along the way. I really did love you. I found everything I wanted, at that point in my life at least. But the summer turned into autumn. Months passed. And everything faded like the print of old piano sheets. Your voice turned into silent mumbling and your photo’s got lost from day to day. Your hands weren’t so soft and your touch so gently. But I wanted to tell you that.. I wanted to tell you that you meant so much to me. And I do not longer care and it hurts. It hurts to see times changes and looks are faced the other way. But it doesn’t even bother me. Not anymore
Weight
Sadness rules us. Whether it is a lost lover or a bad rainy day. It was never an emotional state, but a feeling which infiltrates our minds. We wake up in the morning and get right back into reality. My bed still smells like you. 7 AM. We drag ourselves out of bed into the dark and cold world of judgement. We choose clothing that will never fit well or feel right and our hair will never work the way we want to. The coffee you like suddenly tastes bitter. Strangers look grumpy and the wind has turned to the wrong direction. Every bit of human contact annoys you. Staring at walls, book and windows makes it all so empty. Even eating becomes a task and walking up the stairs make you tired. Everything you have to do becomes impossible, and anything you have done becomes ‘not good enough.’ And we look up, we breath and we walk. We continue, that is all we can to. When the world starts weighing you down, you bend, you never break. But you wake up the next morning and do it all over again. Lift it up. Lift yourself up.
The overthinking 