And he said it had always felt like more then friendship. He said that he had loved me from the moment we met. That night he drank until his legs couldn’t carry his heavy heart anymore. I got dragged out of his sight, and I cried. I cried because I knew how it must have felt. I cried because I know that I couldn’t force myself to love him back. Love can’t be forced. Love doesn’t listen.
It wasn’t about being ‘yours’ or calling you ‘mine’. It was about sharing a bottle of wine at noon because time was only an illusion. It was about sharing our biggest fears underneath a van Gogh starry night sky. It was about admiring each others strength to cut loose from past relationships. It was about giving each other nicknames and being silly about each others weird habits. It was about laughing at jokes, laughing at embarrassing stories, laughing in general. It was about being grateful when someone paid the check, being generous with hugs, being careful whilst running through an orange stop sign. It was about complementing the little things, the way she tucked her hair beneath her ear or how I’d write her letters. It was about casually slipping lovely words to each other and reaching for each others hands. It was everything. It was. It wasn’t love, that I could tell. She was just trying to be nice and I was trying not to fall for her. But I did. I never became ‘yours’ and she never became ‘mine’. My heart is still trying to understand that.
10 things I should have done before you left;
1. I should have turned around and kiss you one more time. 2. I should have noticed the way that you slowly let go, the way you cut loose, silent. 3. I should have told you how much I loved you. 4. I was supposed to have better arguments, I didn’t give you any reason to stay. 5. I should have told you how beautiful you were before you stopped listening. 6. I got defeated so easily, I was to weak to fight. 7. I should have fought, I should have tried to make you stay. 7. I should have send you all those messages I typed for you, I should have had the guts to tell you how I feel. 8. I should have confronted you with the truth, I should have told you that it wasn’t all my fault. 9. I should have kissed you. 10. I should have loved you better, more, I should have loved you more when I had the chance.
‘You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world.. but you do have some say in who hurts you.’
And I choose her. I didn’t even think twice, I choose her. I didn’t feel the need to question my choices, I never made rational choices, I simply decided. And so she did hurt me, and I gave her every right to. I let her in, I let her run into my arms. I let her touch my lips and let her breathe onto my bare skin. I never doubted anything, I’m all in or I’m all out. I will always give love a chance, because you can not fight it. Love made me smile for a month. Love made me giggle and stare into my screen for nights. And love made me cry, love made me question my existence without her. Love made my heart heavy with everything that reminded me of her. Love made me sad for a few weeks and dreadfully nostalgic for the months afterwards. I choose love and I chose her to hurt me. She held my heart and I was totally entitled to the way she sang my name. But she let go and now I mumble soothing words before I go to sleep. I was foolish, but I was madly in love with the one I choose, with her.
‘stop before it is too late’
‘you aren’t in love’
‘we will never be together’
‘stop before it is too late’
As I try to bite my tears away I can taste the blood of my bottom lip, and I wash it away with alcohol. I have piles of empty winebottles at my backdoor, the door which isn’t locked anymore, because I’m still waiting for you to come back. My head is aching from the hangover, and all of the ones before. I thought it would help me forget your name, but I ended up forgetting mine first. My fingers have bruised from all of the writing, I still send you letters, but you stopped replying, you never did. I have nothing left of you, but every time I stare at the stars they call out your name. I see you everywhere I go, I can’t help but to look for you. Like a lost child desperate for his mother I look around me but nobody can bring me home again. I never felt home before I laid my head on your chest. I can still recall the way your heart beats like it was mine. But it never was mine. And that is why it hurts so bad. It hurts like raw cotton on burned skin. It is unbearable to think that I’ll never see you again. You were like early dandelions in the wintercold. You were brave and you we’re so strong. I has been an absolute privilege to walk by your side for a moment. A moment in which I finally felt warmth in my lungs again. But now it has blackened and I can’t breathe anymore. I cough up the ashes every time I say your name.
‘stop before it is too late’
‘she won’t hear you’
‘she never cared, she doesn’t need you’
And I wished upon thousands of stars that it wouldn’t be that bad. That it wouldn’t be so heartbreaking that I can only cry and cry. That it wouldn’t be so suffocating that I haven’t eaten in days. That it wouldn’t be so difficult that it breaks me every day. That it wouldn’t be so tragic that I don’t want to talk about it. That it wouldn’t take so long for it to be and endless drama. That it wouldn’t be always on my mind, and that I would dream about it. That it wouldn’t be so dreadfull and terrifying. That it wouldn’t be so goddamn hard for me that you left.
our love was beautiful. our love was young and spontaneous. it was love at first sight. our love was a perfect cliche. it was holding hands and movie dates. it was sweaty hands and nervous touches. our love was deep. it was 2 am conversations and endless thoughts. our love was never rough. it was having the same opinion but also discussions about life. we never fought. we never yelled and we never screamed, but our eyes spoke. we cried on each others shoulder and our tears were always genuine. our love was everlasting. it was waking up and going to bed with the same person in our mind. it was having conversations with our eyes and loving with our touch. our love was everything and more. it was remembering each others favorite song and singing along. it was little gifts and notes and writing each other love-confessions. our love was intimate. it was a life together without shame or sorrow. it was bare skin and loving souls. our love was beautiful.
our breakup was never beautiful. it was losing eachother, – it was losing yourself. it was losing love and life.