Unwanted messages pt 6

I’m sorry, I panicked and freaked out. I guess I was trying to tell you how I feel. Fortunately I haven’t figured it out myself. I hope I don’t before we may never see eachother again. 

I really don’t deserve a second chance.
I know I blew it.

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Heden.

Mensen geven om mij en ik heb liefde om te geven. Ik moet er aan gaan geloven dat ik het waard ben. Laat het gaan.

Wees niet bang om gelukkig te zijn.

Why does it ache.

You remind me of everything I once had. A boy at my side with the best smile, who had loads of charisma and character. Somebody with goals and dreams and desires and a willpower to reach them. That was you. That was him. That was the boy that once belonged to my side. 

It scares me to think I’ll never get the chance to take that spot. Coincidence made us cross paths but we’re not going parallel. We’re to young not to choose our own paths. Your world is drifting from mine and I don’t want to lose you out of sight. 

It is not that I love you, but I could. I have so much love to give. We could make it in a different world at a different time. For now I get to see you smile and that is enough. I’m gratefull for the time we spent together, learning, growing, laughing and loving. 

It is not that I love you, but I could 

A sunday.

I only pick daisies to let them wither in my back pocket, next to the winks and smiles from passerby’s. I’ve been waiting for a rainy autumn, but the days are still long and the parks crowded with lovers. I don’t blame them for watching the sunset. I wondered where my people were, the heartbreakers, the one-day-at-a-time, the reckless, the wilder ones. I wanted to be like them, even though I had always been at the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe I was fooling myself, maybe I was lying to myself. Maybe all I ever needed was love, the sparks and the butterflies. You made me realize that. I thought I could never love someone so much it hurts, and it does and it aches and my body is built of rose petals. I’d be a hopeless fight to dismantle the fireworks you set off inside my head. I’d be hopeless to love you and here I am, counting the days with the butterflies in the park.

 

Proud.

I made it. I didn’t think I would. Nobody was sure that I would make it.

It was dark outside but there weren’t much lights burning inside as well. The day had passed and everybody popped their champange and ate their celebration dinners. And then there was only me left with mixed emotions. I had cried happy tears when I heard the news, that I graduated against all expectations. I was relieved and overwhelmed that everything I didn’t dare to dream of became reality. The one thing I fought for beyond all of my breaking points. All the unfortunate events and disadvantages lead up this very point where I had to make it right. I had to do it, not only for myself but for my family. For my dear grandfather who believed I could achieve everything I ever wanted. For my dear grandfather who was applauding and back petting when necessary. All I ever wanted was to make him proud.

I made it. I didn’t think I would. Nobody was sure that I would make it. He did. He always kept faith in me.

Days like these

It hurts to live without her but you got to do it. You have to wake up every morning and start breathing. Open the doors, brew coffee and be grateful. Realize what you have and have accomplished and what is left undiscovered. Sympathize with your siblings and stop fighting your parents over five dollars. Set yourself free, get out of the house and get lost, wonder. Feed your tiny little heart with beauty and surround yourself with your loved ones. We got once chance and we blew it. Own it, make up for lost time and find peace. Live and feel and breathe the morning air. Start again. Rise again. – things I should have told myself three months ago.