every time I say your name

‘stop before it is too late’
‘you aren’t in love’
‘we will never be together’
‘stop before it is too late’

As I try to bite my tears away I can taste the blood of my bottom lip, and I wash it away with alcohol. I have piles of empty winebottles at my backdoor, the door which isn’t locked anymore, because I’m still waiting for you to come back. My head is aching from the hangover, and all of the ones before. I thought it would help me forget your name, but I ended up forgetting mine first. My fingers have bruised from all of the writing, I still send you letters, but you stopped replying, you never did. I have nothing left of you, but every time I stare at the stars they call out your name. I see you everywhere I go, I can’t help but to look for you. Like a lost child desperate for his mother I look around me but nobody can bring me home again. I never felt home before I laid my head on your chest. I can still recall the way your heart beats like it was mine. But it never was mine. And that is why it hurts so bad. It hurts like raw cotton on burned skin. It is unbearable to think that I’ll never see you again. You were like early dandelions in the wintercold. You were brave and you we’re so strong. I has been an absolute privilege to walk by your side for a moment. A moment in which I finally felt warmth in my lungs again. But now it has blackened and I can’t breathe anymore. I cough up the ashes every time I say your name.

‘stop before it is too late’
‘she won’t hear you’
‘she never cared, she doesn’t need you’



I thought that it would be ‘fine’, or at least ‘okay’, but it wasn’t ‘fine’ nor ‘okay’, it was fucking terrible. It was this aching and persistent pain which I couldn’t get a hold of. It was the kind of heart break that leaves you wondering.. why why why why. And you’ll never get an honest answer so you begin blaming yourself. And when you begin blaming yourself you’re starting to realize that it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault that she decided to leave. I was never the one to blame for the fact that we’re not speaking to each other anymore. I tried, I tried my best to make things work. I tried to give her space, I respected her feelings and her fears. But what I didn’t respect was the fact that I was never given a chance. She knew. She knew after all that it wouldn’t last longer than three weeks. Because she would give up and walk away. She would do anything to protect herself from being hurt again. She would rather keep her guards than to accept my love for her. Because I had so many stories about the stars in her eyes, but they dimmed on a cloudy evening. Because I had so many things I wanted to show her, but now I look for her in every crowded room. Because I had so many words I wanted to give to her, and now I spill them like red wine on a tablecloth.

Unwanted messages pt 5

I feel like I shouldn’t say this
I strongly believe it wouldn’t solve anything

If I may say,
You kissed me like I was the oxygen to your lungs
You held onto my body so heavily, like you never wanted to let go

I have seen you once, twice, and multiple times in my dreams

But there is no use in chasing those who keep their distance,
I’d be an endless race of falling and stumbling upon your own efforts

I’m sorry, I think I love you,
But I’m not consciously breaking my own heart
And I will never not but the blame on myself,
I was good enough,
I tried,

Yours truly,



my alcoholic astonishment
of backward brainwork
with characteristic coordination

take your daily drugs
with an extreme equal
of fulfilling fluids
for a greater glance
of hypnotic hallucinations

with our isolated ice-hart
we can’t justify judgement
those killing knives
and lingering letters
our mothers made
we can never neglect

our ordinary outside
and prentend posture
with a quiet quiver
of restless remorse

we sleep silently
and we’re terribly tired
which is an ugly understatement
of vulnerable visitors
of this worrying waitingroom
for an xtremely x-ray
of a youthful youngster
in her zombie zone

Come out

There was only one person that I needed more in my entire life.
Which was myself, and god I couldn’t find her.
She was hiding between the past and the present, whilst being chased by all that she had done wrong.
She was being circled with accusations and haunted by misinterpreted intentions.
‘Come out, come out in the light, I’ll help you’
But I doubt if she would believe that.

based on a true story;

‘I know. I know you love her.’ She looks down and stares at the edge of the sidewalk. She doesn’t understand. None of us does. Something so wrong can feel so right. She says that it will hurt, and I nodded. ‘It already does, I know you love her’ 

We all just want somebody to love, wrong or right. You can be so self secure and still long for conformation, conformation that you matter. That you are loved and remembered throughout the day. Into the night where we live in each others dreams. We fight tears and hide our shaky hands. What if it all falls down, the beginning of the end. The bitter end in our cruel world.

You don’t have to be alone. You don’t have to fear heartbreak. We hold the power in our hands. We can let go and hold on. But what do we choose. Who do we choose. We are driven by fear and regrets. But regrets bring sorrow and maybe you have forgotten about it tomorrow. Maybe you lie awake and hope to find answers  in the darkness of the ceiling. Truth is that we have never known and never will.

We didn’t see it coming. Like flooding waves and summer storms, We never expected this to happen. Our mind is confused and my heart is dripping. Drops of tears and blood, but we wash it down the drain. We look up. You never scream into the mirror. Don’t be angry at yourself.

Take a breath and stay calm. You will never change and you can always rely on yourself. As long as we believe. As long as we talk to our reflection. Stay close. Choose wisely. Love intimate. Give in and give up. Fight strong and recover.


She says so

‘She doesn’t even care’ – I know. I know that she really might not care. I’ve been there. People can be so heartwarming and genuine and interested, but in the end they will not care. It doesn’t matter if you ask why or why not. She wont even be bothered to answer. We live our own lives, with our own habits and methods. It’s a combination of arrogance and a self-centered vision. But how far will it reach? Why won’t you open up. Why won’t you respect other peoples feelings. Why won’t you appreciate the time investment. Why won’t you try to share and be happy together. Why won’t you care. Why won’t you care? – for people who lie awake at night with questions in their head