I had to learn how to be alone. I had to learn how to live without you. I had to find enough strength to live an entire day without being lonely. I had learned what it takes not to feel lonely. I had to learn how to be complete without needing others, without needing you.
Tag: gedicht
#75
She was the goddamned vastness beneath me and when she left she tore the ground beneath my feet away, I fell upon which was once the carpetfloor
‘that boy from school’
I always sat at the back of the classroom, so I could see everybody around me. He didn’t. He ran into the classroom every morning and took a seat at the front, usually the last empty seat. I saw it all happening, day after day. Some days he didn’t show up, but it was usually me who caused the empty seat. I didn’t spend much time at school. I had always been busy playing outside with the demons in my head. I’d rather search for something that would fill this hole within me. I stayed up late and woke early. I would take the bus home and beyond, I wandered streets of cities where I shouldn’t have been. He didn’t know, but he found out. He wondered where I had been, why I cut my hair and where my sister went. He asked me if I had ever regretted the choices I made, but I never did. Life was an endless ride of more and dangerous adventures. Try to live a little. Don’t show up late but don’t show up at all. Go for it, I know you’d be good at it.
‘that boy from school’ made me realize I wasn’t mad, just madly and awfully honest.
I choose love.
‘You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world.. but you do have some say in who hurts you.’
And I choose her. I didn’t even think twice, I choose her. I didn’t feel the need to question my choices, I never made rational choices, I simply decided. And so she did hurt me, and I gave her every right to. I let her in, I let her run into my arms. I let her touch my lips and let her breathe onto my bare skin. I never doubted anything, I’m all in or I’m all out. I will always give love a chance, because you can not fight it. Love made me smile for a month. Love made me giggle and stare into my screen for nights. And love made me cry, love made me question my existence without her. Love made my heart heavy with everything that reminded me of her. Love made me sad for a few weeks and dreadfully nostalgic for the months afterwards. I choose love and I chose her to hurt me. She held my heart and I was totally entitled to the way she sang my name. But she let go and now I mumble soothing words before I go to sleep. I was foolish, but I was madly in love with the one I choose, with her.
We tried
I had realized that you didn’t want to be with me. I had realized that we wouldn’t see each other ever away. But for you to stab me in the back like that, I didn’t realized how cruel you were. I guess you haven’t healed in any way. You made the same mistakes over and over again to push people away who tried to love you.
Existed
I had never felt something like this before. Pain had never been beautiful or poetic before, until she decided to live without me. Whenever I crossed a place where we had been I couldn’t help but stop for a minute. I stop for a minute and feel a bitter and silent pain within me. It doesn’t feel like heartbreak, it is so much more than that. It is knowing that the most beautiful woman on earth had left me, and she would never come back. It was pain knowing that I would never see her again, her beautiful existence existed without me. She had it all figured out, she was the most beautiful woman on earth.
#74
I hope that in a year from now I will write about ‘how I finally understand’, but honestly I don’t think I ever fucking will understand why you left.
The overthinking 