As much as I write about how breathtakingly gorgeous our young love was, I despise the person you are, or who you try to be. I’m willing to believe that this is some act, some role-play and that you’ll admit it was a stupid joke. I despise the way that you neglected all of my affection towards you, even though you couldn’t stop talking to me. You didn’t ‘just’ leave, you shook the ground and earth to make it look like I made you leave. You turned the tables to set yourself free from the guilt that stroke upon you. I recognize you in the bitterness of my morning coffee, the one that looked so good. Cause that’s the whole point isn’t it? You made it look so fucking good. You made it look like I meant something to you, whilst you we’re just messing around. As a bored child you looked for something entertaining in that rotting life of yours. You rot with al the compost of dying flowers, the ones that ‘they’ gave you, your lovers. Your heart must be deteriorating throwing lovers away as if they were skipping stones. Fine. End up alone. End up with a list of blocked numbers because you couldn’t handle talking it through. You were such a brave girl but dear god you knew how to ignore your problems. I still despise you for that.
#80
It feels as if nothing really matters anymore, all these moments I can’t share with you. It just sucks, knowing you’re out there, but you stopped listening to me long ago.
#79
I wish you would have been here because you eased all the pain that was inside of me.
‘yours’
It wasn’t about being ‘yours’ or calling you ‘mine’. It was about sharing a bottle of wine at noon because time was only an illusion. It was about sharing our biggest fears underneath a van Gogh starry night sky. It was about admiring each others strength to cut loose from past relationships. It was about giving each other nicknames and being silly about each others weird habits. It was about laughing at jokes, laughing at embarrassing stories, laughing in general. It was about being grateful when someone paid the check, being generous with hugs, being careful whilst running through an orange stop sign. It was about complementing the little things, the way she tucked her hair beneath her ear or how I’d write her letters. It was about casually slipping lovely words to each other and reaching for each others hands. It was everything. It was. It wasn’t love, that I could tell. She was just trying to be nice and I was trying not to fall for her. But I did. I never became ‘yours’ and she never became ‘mine’. My heart is still trying to understand that.
10 things I should have done;
10 things I should have done before you left;
1. I should have turned around and kiss you one more time. 2. I should have noticed the way that you slowly let go, the way you cut loose, silent. 3. I should have told you how much I loved you. 4. I was supposed to have better arguments, I didn’t give you any reason to stay. 5. I should have told you how beautiful you were before you stopped listening. 6. I got defeated so easily, I was to weak to fight. 7. I should have fought, I should have tried to make you stay. 7. I should have send you all those messages I typed for you, I should have had the guts to tell you how I feel. 8. I should have confronted you with the truth, I should have told you that it wasn’t all my fault. 9. I should have kissed you. 10. I should have loved you better, more, I should have loved you more when I had the chance.
#78
‘But she was so pretty and I’m never going to see her again’
replace
You’re trying so hard to find something that will fill this emptyness in you. You’re trying to find someone that will fill this hole that she left. And you keep looking for someone that looks similar. But you know that nobody will look like her. Nobody else is going to replace her. And that was her beauty. I have met so many people and they all look alike. But she was so much more. She was the one.
The overthinking 