my alcoholic astonishment
of backward brainwork
with characteristic coordination

take your daily drugs
with an extreme equal
of fulfilling fluids
for a greater glance
of hypnotic hallucinations

with our isolated ice-hart
we can’t justify judgement
those killing knives
and lingering letters
our mothers made
we can never neglect

our ordinary outside
and prentend posture
with a quiet quiver
of restless remorse

we sleep silently
and we’re terribly tired
which is an ugly understatement
of vulnerable visitors
of this worrying waitingroom
for an xtremely x-ray
of a youthful youngster
in her zombie zone


I don’t know where we went wrong. We found each other in the dead of the night, with the tension of voltage-shooting lightbeams. I think it left us no choice but to find comfort in each others arms. To find comfort in the recognition of each others struggles, – who were identical.

But then we gave up. We lost it like the night lost their darkness and was expected to be blue again. I never shed a tears and I never thought twice. Untill I found myself on a late fridaynight searching for your number. I searched for something that had been missing.

And every night I would look up to the stars and made wishes. I made wishes about my dreams and desires. And I waited for the stars to fall down and brighten my day. I would wait for them to give me a sign or a signal.

But tonight I looked at the sky and I saw no stars. I saw a darkclouded emptyness and an almost grey moon. And I knew why. I had made my dreams come true and I had chased my desires. I did everything I wanted to do, and it made me feel so powerful.

Advice from the person you used to be;

I hope you have accomplished everything you have ever dreamed of. I hope you are where you want to be. Maybe you dreamed of walking across all five continents. Maybe you wanted to live next to your grandparents. Maybe you dreamed of building a house in the middle mother nature’s landscape. I hope that you found love, whether it is from you friends of your lover. I hope you have taken every chance. I hope you have never let anyone run away from you. I hope you have chased your love in life. I hope that you found peace. I hope that you found yourself, and that you are being yourself. I hope you have put away all struggles of the past that you enjoy life with confidence. I hope that haven’t become exactly like your parents. I hope you followed their wise advice, but don’t let them decide everything. I hope that you find satisfaction in what you do. If you wanted to be a manager, I hope that you have succeeded. If you wanted to be a musician, I hope you still enjoy making music, despite your popularity. If you wanted to social worker or psychologist, I hope that helping others still makes you feel good. I just hope that you are happy. I hope that you have followed your dreams. You might have gave up, once, twice, as long as you stood up. As long as you have never put yourself down. I hope you have fought for what you want. I hope that determination brought you beautiful things. And god knows that life is hard, it has always been. And I hope you remember, that you have always survived it, and I hope you still do. I hope that you haven’t forget you can conquer your fears and survive sadness. I hope that time has taken away all of your grief. I hope that you memorize the person you used to be, and I hope that you are proud. Proud of who you became, and what you have accomplished. I am, I have always been. We can make it. We keep hope. 


I was one of them. I was a person always seeking for better things and better days. I was eager for the adrenaline rush. I waited for fridays and was always looking for alcoholic nights. I loved attention and I had been loving so many. I never stood still and I never wanted to. I longed for things that made me feel alive, how good or bad. I wanted this dizzy, this warm and sparkling feeling. I never wanted to grow old, I never wanted my love to grow old. I made up stories and lived of lies. I comforted myself with the thought that this was it. Life was made of ups and downs and I accepted it. I accepted heartbreak and broken promises. Time passed and I was tired of giving my love. I was tired of living for this energy rush. I was getting nowhere. I found a save have. I looked around and breathed fresh air. I felt like there was more to live. I felt that there was more to love. I found balance and stability. I found comfort and loving arms. I set aside everything I once lived for. I thought. I thought that I had set aside everything I once lived for. My will was to weak and my eager to strong. I wanted those moments. I wanted my ups, and then everything came crashing down


I stood there watching the rain.
The field was totally deserted.
And I was accompanied by the silence.

I stood there and watched the rain.
The grey clouds formed the background.
And the sun sets in strokes of orange and red.

I stood there and watched the rain fall down.
I felt the wind in my hair.
And my body shivered from the cold.

I don’t have a story to tell.
I do not have an explanation.
And I don’t know what is happening next.

I don’t know where I am going,
and I don’t know what I am doing.

All I really can do is live in the moment.