ignorance

Do you have any idea what it feels like? maybe you do, maybe someone else does. People tell me I have a heavy heart, mostly just the weight of broken relations. I told you that I was scared of commitment, and I think I have never really understood what it meant. It is not only the fear of starting commitment, but the fear of letting your guards down. This nauseous feeling that gets you whenever it can, whether you are traveling home from work, taking a shower of lying in bed at night. My eyes tear up just thinking about it, the scariest part of committing is letting go. I have always been a strong person. I wouldn’t let anyone get in my way, and I would never let anyone hurt me. But you found your way in, I have fallen madly in love. And somehow these butterflies turn into bats – the flowers grow thorns. The idea of you not being here terrifies me to a point that I can’t even talk about it. I tend to ignore these negative thoughts. I do not miss you, believe me that someday I will.

I will miss you, – but not today. please don’t let it be today.

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